Can't say goodbye to you..

Alright, So Hi.

I don't know from where I should start.
I know its been really really heck long since I wrote ANYTHING.
I don't want to write any of the bullshit i always use to end up writing.
About my sad lost love, About my friends betraying me, About how sad and miserable I am, about how I want to abuse someone all around.
NO.
I'm straight away gonna just give this post away to a person who will always and forever remain with me even though hes not gonna be anywhere close to me physically.
And Yes, As I'm typing this through,I can't help but weep like a baby.
There is no one around me, Not even my Favorite teddy bear I could at least hold tight and let go of these feelings I cannot handle myself alone.
I don't know what this game is called, Perhaps I would call it Life.
Its the toughest job, I'm young, But my emotions are as old as they should be. Right now, I cannot control a single muscle of my body, a single tissue.
I'm not upset, At all.
I'm great, I'm just GREAT.
I don't give a peace of crap about anyone but myself right now, I truly truly wished I had people and things to thank for being a part of my great yet conservative life.
So, Anxious to know who I'm talking about?
The names, Malhotra, Shourya Malhotra. ( you gotta thank me for that great Bond intro later man haha)
You know why Am I just madly in love with you?
No I mean really, In true fucking words,I love you. And I have a perfect explanation to tell you WHY.
Cause I have been out of reach from every single person living around me except for one and you know who that is.
And the only, only fucking person I could EVER fucking CALL when I went through my contact list that contained more than 300 contacts WAS YOU.
EVERYONE, EVERYONE have their Friends, best friends, on their Speed dial, on there contacts, In their recent log list, But I have ONE. Or sometimes Vodaphone gives me a call.
I go through my contact list and keep pushing my thumb on my touch screen , Wondering who to CALL?
From A to R , I just flip and think and it reaches S, and there comes Shourya.
I cant explain alright.
You're leaving soon enough, and time wont stop for crying out loud.
How am I supposed to STOP you?
You know, I have realized the time I have been ignorant to you, And the time I have been away from you, You have caught up with a lot of people too, who mean a lot more than I mean to you , I know that.
But trust me, Whatever said and done, You are my Hero. My brother from another mother but you and I feel blood related.
I want to thank you, for giving me such great lessons I could never ever get to learn from any other Friend or family member.
I maybe a loner sometimes, when I see people I knew earlier, STILL hanging out and making new friends and whatever the fuck everyone does, And I sit here and watch and just think, DAMN how bad do they hate me... still? They adored me at one time and so Did I.
Its Like I never even existed, Yeah I know everyone goes through it, Yakidi yakidi yak, But this is hard, They won't get it, cause they can't be me, Theyre still happy, Really happy, And yet, Im happy for them haha funny isnt it.. Was I really that bad? I ask myself.
Anyway,
Till the END of this post, Im still crying. Believe me or not. This kinda really has a lot of emotion to it, Least you could do after you read this is waste a little tears for me too.
I love you.
And you know sometimes, I feel God exists when I know you're near.
Good-bye.

Dear, Yash Dang.

Okay, Hello readers, Strangers, Bla bla.

Okay, So here I am fulfilling my promise. Though people do such things for people when its their birthday, Farewell etc etc. But I promised a special post to a very amazing person, So here it goes.

Yash, It hasn't been a long time since I've known him. But since the time I started talking to him, He seemed nice, And it was like everyone wanted him. haha
And hell yea everyone still wants him. :P
I would compare him to a plum planted on the worlds sweetest cake, And he being the PLUM, The cake would not-be-as-sweet-as-the-plum. Do you get it?
Like I can't compare you to nothing. I love you Yashy.
Yes I do :)
And you have been there when I had been crying for dumb fucks. HAHA you are the only guy friend ( except Anirudh) who hasn't ended up asking me out. So, Hence. I love you much more for that too. haha

Im going to write you another post, Promise, Cause right now I am sleepy. And
I know even if this is short, You are flying up above the world so high,like a diamond in the sky.

hahah, I love you Mouse-ey,<3

Memories never detach.

I will not start of from being all lonely and depressed, THAT is not why I started a blog, To jot down all my weaknesses and how vulnerable I am.

I don't have the slightest of idea HOW in the world am I still sort of alive and happy.

I can blame myself, Like really blame a LOT.

It was me, who always ignored stuff I shouldn't have.

It was me, who always took things for granted. Be it friends or family.

I regret, Yes. But none of those people really came back either. Shows how it really was yeah.

So, Weirdly now days, My parents and I have been discussing how I will go about my career, My life ahead. And seriously, It gives me goose bumps. Like bad ones.

I suddenly go like, Fuck.

Cause all this time, Even tiny things have been difficult for me, Even if they aren't that difficult. I somehow tend to face them in a difficult way. Maybe I am destined to suffer.

But I know I will see a happy light too. Of course, I will. Everyone does, right?

Anyway, I just want to dedicate this post to all the Friends I've had in the past since I stepped into this horrid place called Noida.

I came here, I was in the 8th grade.

I was normal, I wasn't like one of those Oh-so-hot personalities. People laughed at me. I ignored.

People picked on me, I ignored.

Then, Obviously like every other person would try to change just to fit in, I did the same.

I tried to change. And When I actually DID. I was not appreciated. Cause I know, I stood out the crowd. You may think I'm just trying to boast and talk crap. But honestly, It was that way.

I wasnt really seen with pure eyes. I wasn't appreciated,Even by girls, I don't know if they were jealous or just total bitches.. YES! But I did get along pretty soon then. But then, Who likes competition ? I was picked on again.

But this time. I could answer back. I could talk back. I wasn't a sissy anymore.

And today, I know a lot of people love me for who I am. But I miss my old self too.

The old Tanmaya. Who was Shy, Who didn't know a thing about make up. Who had the smile without the cleverness. Who had no love for cigarettes and Alcohol. It makes me cry sometimes, Thinking about what I've done to myself. But yes, I need to do something about my smoking and drinking, Though I don't do it that much. But Yes! It needs to reduce.

Atleats NOW, I don't act like a desperate crazy drunk girl after I'm down one vodka shot!

Haha, Trust me I've seen myself there too.

But Fuck that.

But maybe, The change that i've gotten through, Made me loose a lot of people who were important to me at one time.

Now, They don't even think about how I would be. Maybe they do, But They wouldn't care to ask or mention. Cause they know, Oh, Tanmaya, Forget her man, Shes a Weirdo. Let her be , Let her die, Who gives fuck?. Types.

So yea.

I feel sad. But then I've gotten over THAT too. Nothing new for me you see:)

So in the end, What do I see? I see a life, without all those people who picked on me all the time, Who ruined my name, Who talked nonsense about me, without those guys who cheated on me, without those cheap bastards who left me for not being physical with them, those useless, selfish, Friends I made. I see myself way above of them, And I'm sure one day, All you fucking people are going to sit and cry and DIE in hell for making my life so difficult. I still don't hate any of you. Who am I anyway to do that. But you'll see to it. Till then, Get yourself a fucking life without including me in it.

And also to all the lovely friends I had made, Who I am guilty of leaving,

I still adore you out there, And I still want to see you grow into the the beautiful people that you already are.

I miss you also. But maybe I'm happy with what I got right now.

Even If I have one or two friends to rely on or to talk to at present, I'm fine and happy too :).

I love you all. Though you guys have a lot more to care about than silly me.

Okay. I'm a little tired. I was supposed to write a Blog post for my dear friend Yashyy.

I will, The next one is gonna be exclusively FOR YOU. <3

Wait for it. (:

Later.

Bliss and joy

Tanmaya Bhatnagar.

I'll just leave it saying untitled.

No, I wont start my post by greeting you by saying formal crap like, Oh, Hi, How are you ? Good? Doesn't bother me :)

Haha, Okay, Really, Doesn't.

Anyway, So, What do we have here? A lazy bum who has practically started going to the Gym and working out. :O

* Sneezes and cries because of the pain in her lower abs*

No, I'm not showing off. Its just been three days :P

I don't feel like posting anything, Cause I have nothing to tell you people about. Oh maybe I do.

I don't know, These past few weeks, Have been so unpredictable. Well, Holi did nothing but it sure did wash away the unreal colors on peoples faces.

What am I talking about ?

See, I'm just trying to talk like a mature 20 year old, So that you don't feel I'm passing my time and pretending to be something I'm not. I'm just relating some shit to something else that would make you think I'm too deep for you people to understand, Hence that will lead you to think, I'm cool and superior, When I'm just a pussy trying to fool you with my cool-ness THAT doesn't exist really.

Okay, So, I'm going to be a girl here, for a while, So bear with me?

There are these girls,Who I see around. They must be like 12-13. They act like they've seen life, They have the freaking balls to tell someone who is 4 years elder to them that they're immature.

I mean, Excuse me? Your mini hot pants ain't going to make your brain stronger. Your highlited hair isn't going to prove you're not Blond.

You're attitude isn't going to prove you're intelligent when you're failing all your subjects in 7th Grade.

Anyway, Just a little something to all those Kids, I maybe just 3 or 4 years elder to you, But my boobs are better off than yours. My eyes have seen much more than you, Next time you do shit. You're going to be out on the streets, Naked with all your truth.

Have fun soaking your indecency in the sun. :)

So, I'm gonna go eat some shit

You guys go have illegal sex.

Bye :)

Tomorrow is a different day.

So, What does being alone exactly mean? Like, keeping aside the people who think when someone feels alone means they're just wanting to fit into the emo image. Trying to figure this out, I've lost all my patience. Like all of it. Questions arise, Why does someone feel alone when there are a million people who want to be with you, wants you in weird ways. When creatures like dogs, mosquitoes love being around you, No matter how bugged you get when they want you.
Why don't we understand the simple saying, " Life is beautiful". Why are there so many obstacles that stop you to feel that way? These questions always stay unanswered, And they always will. Why ? See, here comes another question, ,another confusion, Hence another obstacle.
People say , You're born alone and one day you'll die alone too. Then why so many relations that make you love what you are? Why so many obstacles to cross to surivive something that is going to cost you death in the end ?
I'm suprised how I get the time to sit and think about all these things that would just lead me to some place where I would loose myself and I wont know how to come back. But yet, I think cause these questions really bother me.
I am a strong believer, That the force that people worship , GOD. Does not exist. So when I really get down to think, Who is going to answer all of these questions that don't have an answer. Cause well yeah people believe, If nothing goes right, If you dont have an answer to something, Ask him, And he'd give you the answer, He always has a solution. Does he ? Really?
I'm not proud to be an Agnostic. Yes. But I just don't believe.I don't believe in him, I dont believe in religion. I have my Reasons.
Anyway, So today, After months I felt alone, for real. Though its a very normal thing to feel alone, But this alone is not good sometimes. This alone is when you don't want anyone to know you're feelings alone, cause they might just take you wrong and say to themselves," What the hell, Attention seeker". That is what pisses me off. When you are actually feeling lost theres no one who would want to hold your hand, And you would want to be all alone, to yourself, But yet you'll expect someone to come ask you if you're okay. Why ?
Why do we expect so much ? Why can't we just hide behind the curtains? Or why can't we just stand on the edge of the montain and expose ourselves to the world ? Why is there this platform on which you want things and you don't want them at the same time, But you stil expect?
You're not happy when you get what you expected cause mayeb you wanted more. You're obviously not happy when you get nothing that you expetcted.
How I wish life could have been these two long thin parellel ropes that could never get into each others way. Nothing to expect, nothing to give away, Just you and a parellel life going along with you.
Well, Unfortunately, That could happen in some fantasy world of mine. So, I was thinking, Why am I still single? :P
Haha,I'm sorry,So out of the topic.

Goobye with a sweet flying kiss.
P.s- Completely pointless post, I just wanted some time with my blog. I want it to be a little full of thought so yea.

Later.

- Tanmaya Bhatnagar.

Seventeen, :)

"I'll leave when the wind blows, Take a breath and away it goes".
The line's from my favourite song these days :)
Ok, Im gonna start like a cheeky little girl who screams and shouts like weirdos when something happens that she didn't expect.
Oh my Goddd :D
My birthday was Amazinggg :)
Thanks to some great people in my life, Though it wasnt the best, Only because some people whi I expect to be there weren't there AT ALL.
But whatever it was, I felt weird cause I was all drunk and shit the whole time.
My birthday started, I was drunk, It eneded, I was drunk and stoned aswell.
Haha what else did I want. Umm, Maybe some nice cake. The cake was horrible by the way. And I didn't get to eat a lot of food either. Bhenchod mera he birthday tha and Anirudh stuffed cake on my face in a way that I didn't even get to taste it. I'm still picking out cake bits from my hair :/
But the thing is , That is wasnt so bad after all, Maybe because I was so drunk, I was happy. :/
Haha, Thankyou everyone who were there drinking with me, and laughing with joy , And whoever cried its okay :)
I gave you company for some seconds too. Haha but I ended up laughing again.
Major fuck up in the end, But its all good. I guess.
I'm seventeen now. Like, Where does all the time go ?

Later.

Here and Back.

Woww! Its been so So SO long since I've been here. Writting my blog.
I missed you so much my best buddy. So much :)
How is everyone ? Good, I hope. Cause I've been in all kinds of situations these past few days.
There was nothing special about this month or last month though. But it was fun on the other hand.
Shit, I feel so weird. I feel out of touch. Dude :/
Anyway, No need to worry, Im back here again. Without sorrow, Without any regrets, Without crying for stupid people, Without that jack ass ofcourse :)

So, Just now before I started writing the new post, I read one of my best friends Blog. And there I saw no trace of me. We were like a little out of touch, Because of me ofcourse, Main chutiyaapa karti hun, Varna main toh main nahi hungy. But anyway, I was going through his posts like a weirdo, like I was stalking him, I was finding something, My eyes were dying to read my name , I was wanted one thing to be there, That I have been missed, And guess what? There was no me:/ . Baaki sab the. Bhenchod?
Abbey yehh kyaa hua be.
I mean, Practically speaking, I went away so that he could miss me a little :/
I won't lie dude. But Shit! That hurt. But I love you shit loads anyway :) :)
Anyhoo, theres no reason I should get angry cause ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN ANOTHER THREE DAYS.
What fun :)
Shourya has his boards , Yash has his boards, Rishi has his boards, Mast bhenchod.
Koi nahi ayega :)
What the fuck should I be excited about ? oh yea , I knoww, FOOD :)
Theres always tasty food on birthdays and its my birthday so , FUCK you whoever wants to hog on my food :/
Coming back to the "fun" I've had this month,
Gotten along with some people I never thought I would. Met a guy who totally made me feel so wanted after SO SO long, But in the end woh madarchod bhi chorr ke chala gaya :)
Went on night outs, Sneak outs, Booze and everything else that could make you forget a lot of things, Even people.
I can't freaking believe, Its my birthday in three days. Like I still remember last year, It feels so weird. I mean, It feels like yesterday man.
All the friends that I had. Like FUCK dude, Changes are pathetic.
And thats exactly whats been happening here, helloo.
Bhenchod. Kya life hai , Everyone has a story. There are like so many weird things in my life right now, that its hard to fucking believe that its possible.
I'm unhappy about so many things, But yet I wake up every morning and spend rest of the day properly :/
I cry but I smile wayy more than that. Like , Its like a worthless feeling. Feeling something for nothing.
And I'm so dissapointed in myself, I've let myself down for things that don't matter.
And to be honest, I've been chasing the WRONG people, like very wrong people, They are so not worth it.
Jaao Bhenchod ma chudaao, Lekin mere paas mat aao, This is what I feel like telling them. I feel like punching them in the face, Kicking them in the ass, Throwing them out of my life like they have always, and NOT forgiving them for nothing. Thats one fucking thing I cannot do.
I can forgive anyone. No matter WHAT they do to me. I'll go like, Oh yeahh you're sorry ? Its okay :) and BOOM! I'm back to normal, NOTHING changes. But , but ,but. When It comes to mee, I am not fogiven, I am called names, I am to be blamed , and I am to be at the recieving end listening to BULLSHIT like, " OH! you did this, Im sorry but things cant be the same anymore".
APNI MAA CHUDAO BHEN KE LODO. Can you not be so immature for once? :)
I dont believe in god or anything but who so ever created me must have been like a Weird ASS man.
He gave me all the clumsyness in the world, All the cracks in my head, All the freaking bad luck, sorrow, all the kindness, ALL the stupidness, And mostly all the weirdness in the world. Oh! How i want to thankyou and FUCK YOU UP! :)
BUT bhenchod, I don't know why Am I so kind, Modestly speaking:/
Like, People think Im dumb. Dude, I've experienced way more shit than you man,
way more. Anyway, I'm drifting away a little.
Fuck, Seventeen years already :/ How Am I going to survive this year again?
Pata nahi kaun kaun aur ayega , Kaun kaun jayega.
Its scary, To see people come in your life, make memories with you and leave :/
I feel like screaming out loud right now, that i dont really give a fuck about stuff now you know. Im happy dude. Even though I cry for small tiny things, I'm back to normal myself after a while I dont need shit to calm me down anymore.
Like who gives a fuck anyway.
But still, Im not going to be mean, Its not in my blood :)
I'm still in Love with so many of my friends, Who've alway been here making me understand what a chutiya I am. :)
I love you all so much, and I don't love friends who Steal money :)
How ever it is , Im going to leave.
Like guys say , No women no cry.
Ma ki choot "You" humans are the problem. NO MAN NO CRY. Madarchodo!


:)
Love, Peace and Happiness.