Tomorrow is a different day.

So, What does being alone exactly mean? Like, keeping aside the people who think when someone feels alone means they're just wanting to fit into the emo image. Trying to figure this out, I've lost all my patience. Like all of it. Questions arise, Why does someone feel alone when there are a million people who want to be with you, wants you in weird ways. When creatures like dogs, mosquitoes love being around you, No matter how bugged you get when they want you.
Why don't we understand the simple saying, " Life is beautiful". Why are there so many obstacles that stop you to feel that way? These questions always stay unanswered, And they always will. Why ? See, here comes another question, ,another confusion, Hence another obstacle.
People say , You're born alone and one day you'll die alone too. Then why so many relations that make you love what you are? Why so many obstacles to cross to surivive something that is going to cost you death in the end ?
I'm suprised how I get the time to sit and think about all these things that would just lead me to some place where I would loose myself and I wont know how to come back. But yet, I think cause these questions really bother me.
I am a strong believer, That the force that people worship , GOD. Does not exist. So when I really get down to think, Who is going to answer all of these questions that don't have an answer. Cause well yeah people believe, If nothing goes right, If you dont have an answer to something, Ask him, And he'd give you the answer, He always has a solution. Does he ? Really?
I'm not proud to be an Agnostic. Yes. But I just don't believe.I don't believe in him, I dont believe in religion. I have my Reasons.
Anyway, So today, After months I felt alone, for real. Though its a very normal thing to feel alone, But this alone is not good sometimes. This alone is when you don't want anyone to know you're feelings alone, cause they might just take you wrong and say to themselves," What the hell, Attention seeker". That is what pisses me off. When you are actually feeling lost theres no one who would want to hold your hand, And you would want to be all alone, to yourself, But yet you'll expect someone to come ask you if you're okay. Why ?
Why do we expect so much ? Why can't we just hide behind the curtains? Or why can't we just stand on the edge of the montain and expose ourselves to the world ? Why is there this platform on which you want things and you don't want them at the same time, But you stil expect?
You're not happy when you get what you expected cause mayeb you wanted more. You're obviously not happy when you get nothing that you expetcted.
How I wish life could have been these two long thin parellel ropes that could never get into each others way. Nothing to expect, nothing to give away, Just you and a parellel life going along with you.
Well, Unfortunately, That could happen in some fantasy world of mine. So, I was thinking, Why am I still single? :P
Haha,I'm sorry,So out of the topic.

Goobye with a sweet flying kiss.
P.s- Completely pointless post, I just wanted some time with my blog. I want it to be a little full of thought so yea.

Later.

- Tanmaya Bhatnagar.

Seventeen, :)

"I'll leave when the wind blows, Take a breath and away it goes".
The line's from my favourite song these days :)
Ok, Im gonna start like a cheeky little girl who screams and shouts like weirdos when something happens that she didn't expect.
Oh my Goddd :D
My birthday was Amazinggg :)
Thanks to some great people in my life, Though it wasnt the best, Only because some people whi I expect to be there weren't there AT ALL.
But whatever it was, I felt weird cause I was all drunk and shit the whole time.
My birthday started, I was drunk, It eneded, I was drunk and stoned aswell.
Haha what else did I want. Umm, Maybe some nice cake. The cake was horrible by the way. And I didn't get to eat a lot of food either. Bhenchod mera he birthday tha and Anirudh stuffed cake on my face in a way that I didn't even get to taste it. I'm still picking out cake bits from my hair :/
But the thing is , That is wasnt so bad after all, Maybe because I was so drunk, I was happy. :/
Haha, Thankyou everyone who were there drinking with me, and laughing with joy , And whoever cried its okay :)
I gave you company for some seconds too. Haha but I ended up laughing again.
Major fuck up in the end, But its all good. I guess.
I'm seventeen now. Like, Where does all the time go ?

Later.

Here and Back.

Woww! Its been so So SO long since I've been here. Writting my blog.
I missed you so much my best buddy. So much :)
How is everyone ? Good, I hope. Cause I've been in all kinds of situations these past few days.
There was nothing special about this month or last month though. But it was fun on the other hand.
Shit, I feel so weird. I feel out of touch. Dude :/
Anyway, No need to worry, Im back here again. Without sorrow, Without any regrets, Without crying for stupid people, Without that jack ass ofcourse :)

So, Just now before I started writing the new post, I read one of my best friends Blog. And there I saw no trace of me. We were like a little out of touch, Because of me ofcourse, Main chutiyaapa karti hun, Varna main toh main nahi hungy. But anyway, I was going through his posts like a weirdo, like I was stalking him, I was finding something, My eyes were dying to read my name , I was wanted one thing to be there, That I have been missed, And guess what? There was no me:/ . Baaki sab the. Bhenchod?
Abbey yehh kyaa hua be.
I mean, Practically speaking, I went away so that he could miss me a little :/
I won't lie dude. But Shit! That hurt. But I love you shit loads anyway :) :)
Anyhoo, theres no reason I should get angry cause ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN ANOTHER THREE DAYS.
What fun :)
Shourya has his boards , Yash has his boards, Rishi has his boards, Mast bhenchod.
Koi nahi ayega :)
What the fuck should I be excited about ? oh yea , I knoww, FOOD :)
Theres always tasty food on birthdays and its my birthday so , FUCK you whoever wants to hog on my food :/
Coming back to the "fun" I've had this month,
Gotten along with some people I never thought I would. Met a guy who totally made me feel so wanted after SO SO long, But in the end woh madarchod bhi chorr ke chala gaya :)
Went on night outs, Sneak outs, Booze and everything else that could make you forget a lot of things, Even people.
I can't freaking believe, Its my birthday in three days. Like I still remember last year, It feels so weird. I mean, It feels like yesterday man.
All the friends that I had. Like FUCK dude, Changes are pathetic.
And thats exactly whats been happening here, helloo.
Bhenchod. Kya life hai , Everyone has a story. There are like so many weird things in my life right now, that its hard to fucking believe that its possible.
I'm unhappy about so many things, But yet I wake up every morning and spend rest of the day properly :/
I cry but I smile wayy more than that. Like , Its like a worthless feeling. Feeling something for nothing.
And I'm so dissapointed in myself, I've let myself down for things that don't matter.
And to be honest, I've been chasing the WRONG people, like very wrong people, They are so not worth it.
Jaao Bhenchod ma chudaao, Lekin mere paas mat aao, This is what I feel like telling them. I feel like punching them in the face, Kicking them in the ass, Throwing them out of my life like they have always, and NOT forgiving them for nothing. Thats one fucking thing I cannot do.
I can forgive anyone. No matter WHAT they do to me. I'll go like, Oh yeahh you're sorry ? Its okay :) and BOOM! I'm back to normal, NOTHING changes. But , but ,but. When It comes to mee, I am not fogiven, I am called names, I am to be blamed , and I am to be at the recieving end listening to BULLSHIT like, " OH! you did this, Im sorry but things cant be the same anymore".
APNI MAA CHUDAO BHEN KE LODO. Can you not be so immature for once? :)
I dont believe in god or anything but who so ever created me must have been like a Weird ASS man.
He gave me all the clumsyness in the world, All the cracks in my head, All the freaking bad luck, sorrow, all the kindness, ALL the stupidness, And mostly all the weirdness in the world. Oh! How i want to thankyou and FUCK YOU UP! :)
BUT bhenchod, I don't know why Am I so kind, Modestly speaking:/
Like, People think Im dumb. Dude, I've experienced way more shit than you man,
way more. Anyway, I'm drifting away a little.
Fuck, Seventeen years already :/ How Am I going to survive this year again?
Pata nahi kaun kaun aur ayega , Kaun kaun jayega.
Its scary, To see people come in your life, make memories with you and leave :/
I feel like screaming out loud right now, that i dont really give a fuck about stuff now you know. Im happy dude. Even though I cry for small tiny things, I'm back to normal myself after a while I dont need shit to calm me down anymore.
Like who gives a fuck anyway.
But still, Im not going to be mean, Its not in my blood :)
I'm still in Love with so many of my friends, Who've alway been here making me understand what a chutiya I am. :)
I love you all so much, and I don't love friends who Steal money :)
How ever it is , Im going to leave.
Like guys say , No women no cry.
Ma ki choot "You" humans are the problem. NO MAN NO CRY. Madarchodo!


:)
Love, Peace and Happiness.

Because If I am to go,in my heart you'd grow and that's where you belong.

Warning :

THIS POST MIGHT BE VERY ABUSIVE,SO DO NOT FREAK OUT. Okay maybe not that much.

So, Hi. How have all of you been? Not that any of you care to ask me how I am. But still, I'd still be Nice and not so ignorant.

So What The Fuck is happening around here? I mean, IS this even possible? How can life get so FUCKING unbelievable? Can someone please FUCKING answer?
For the Love of god. If this is WHAT I get for being so Honest and True, I rather Die out of regret.
But, NOOOO! GOD ( Who I definitely don't believe in) wants me to get tested so that I can survive, Right? WHAT BULLSHIT.

A day will come, When YOUR OWN people, Who you named as "Mankind", Will not be so "kind" anymore. They wouldn't even bother believing that you ever existed.

Anyway, How much more are you going to test me? Bring it ON,Anyway. Who are you ?
You rather just be up there and LOOK at people get fucked up to the BIGGEST order, Okay?
Just do ME a favor and for your own sake, Don't do shit for me anymore.

I can't even count on my fingers for how many times you've actually tried to block bliss in my life.
See, I'll give you an example, LOOK at me, Do I look anywhere near Happy to you ?
Um, NO?
Get the Picture?. Oh! I'm so Fucking sure you don't. That's not something new, Is it.

OH! First you make me Feel all Happy about something, Make myself believe that, Yes, Finally I can breathe without hesitation. You push people in my Life, Make me find a place in their Heart and then confuse me completely, And then you make me push them away. You do your job till there, And then you STOP , Your Job here is done, You just Ruined someone . And What about me? What about all of the stuff I have to go through after that ?
What About the people? What in the name of FUCK do you WANT ?

This is a freaking order from one of your useless creations, ME.
Either you shower in the happiness that I fucking deserve right now. Or just DIE. Okay? Just fucking die out.
Either you give me back THE freaking love I deserve from the guy I am in Love with, Or just make me lose my memory. Cause I cannot do this anymore. I cannot sit here thinking he'll be alright without me, When he is not. I can't sit here like a fool just because I'm Hopelessly devoted to him.
Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first tocry
I'm not the first to know, there's just no getting over him. Okay? If thats what you want me to do. Go fuck a whore Goddess.

I think its high time, I should have some sleep at nights too you know. I sleep when everyone in the world is Wide awake. And when I'm up, I don't see anyone around.
You have Fucked me up. Like, REALLY.
Are you happy now? Ohh. Well I'm fuck sure you are. So much, that you could give away some more of my happiness to someone who doesn't deserve some. Right?
Great. Who the fuck created you ? Why don't your so called people ever find him? I'm sure he would have been Kind enough.

Anyway, I'm done with you . Go fuck someone or something, You don't deserve to be in a position to be called,God.
Fuck OFF.

To Siddhant, Listen, I don't know what do you want from me. I really don't know. And its High time you knew, This isn't useless. Okay? Like, Don't you get it anymore? Haven't you heard enough ? I have failed to understand, WHY. Its really Time, You should forgive me, And yourself. If you know I love you, I really do. Didn't you Notice enough, My entire freaking Blog is like devoted to you. I can write a Book about you. About your Silence all these Months. Every day made me think about you even more. I just can't do this without you anymore. And I can't see you unhappy. Cause right now, Trust me I know you are pretty unhappy. Aren't you Weed?.
Just Hang on there, alright?
I'm here. Anytime Just for you, Consider yourself Very lucky Love. :)
And anytime, I mean it anytime you feel you want to talk, DO NOT ask anyone before doing that, Just CALL. okay? Just call. Believe me, I'll be the happiest person. That would give me some extra reasons to stay alive.

I Love you, More than you can ever Imagine.

When you know, Nothing.

When you don't know where you want to be. When you don't know what you want to do. When you don't know who you are. When you KNOW you are about to mess yourself up.
Its just what you call, Being helpless. When life makes you beg for the happiness you deserve to have. Life becomes ruthless than ever. When nothing goes right, Not even your hair.
When you have all the possible ways to express, But you're still buried beneath. When people around you are promising you that it would be the same again , And you're thinking about it, Still they're leaving you behind.
When you are blinded with every thought that makes you feel real again. When you are smiling from the outside and inside its a hell lot of emotions, rumbling and tumbling to flow out and away.
When you're leaving to meet someone and feeling happy about it, But thinking why can't it just be that someone you really want to see. When you know he won't smile back whether you like it or
not. When you know hes talking to someone right now who makes a difference in his life, Who is an actual part of his life. When you know its no use going on, But you're still holding on to the end of the thread. When you know there's a dead end further, But you're still walking and running, just to feel the happiness about you doing your best to capture his smile, His eyes.
When you want him to Jump and fall into you , But he's already gone and made a life of his own.
When you know you're never gonna stop trying. When you know you're always gonna be there even though you made yourself unreachable to him before. When you know Hope is not what you are living for. When you know its him you are living for. When you know, You like everything about him, But still, you tell people around you to Shut their pie hole when they mention about his wonderful eyes. When you know, The day you see him stand right next to you would be the Happiest day of your life. When you know, Standing so close to him would be like a dream you dreamt of last night. When you know, People around him Hate you so much that they would never want you to be the one who told him, You love him. When you know, Theres no one in the World who can help you , But you're still talking to every soul that knows him And then you realize, You know him By heart.
When you know every song that you head, You want to sing it to him. When you know, When your phone rings, It would never be him. When you know, He only wants to be your friend just for the heck of it. When you know, when you sleep tonight, You're going to dream about him. When you know, Hes the further-est away And you're still thinking he wouldn't be so far away some day.
When you know all the steps up to his door, But you don't go there anymore. When you know, NOTHING will ever be right again, When you know, Hes never coming back. When you know, You love him more than you have loved anyone or anything. When you know, Nothing on planet earth can make you smile, But just Him.
When you know , He's never going to believe you. When you know, You have nothing else to say . When you know, You leave your window open hoping he'll come in with the Rain.
When you know, Hes never going to read about his Importance in your life. When you know, He's not going to be the person you always wanted to be with. When you know, Hes never going to give you a call in the middle of the night just to say goodnight. When you know, You have nothing else to mend , But your Heart.

You lift my feet off the ground, Spin me around.
You make me Crazier.



Tanmaya.

Collecting thougts.

Dear Readers.

So New years was pretty fine. Danced pretty much. Didn't drink though. HAHA.
Its good that didn't. I would have ended up on the terrace or something. Its weird. But hey, My heels did a great job. I looked tall. Just like every one else. haha. But when I like reached home, My feet were almost paralized :/ haha.

err,Anyway. I've lost interest in my Blog suddenly, I don't know why though. But what the fuck, Its okay.
It really has helped me make a difference and also sometimes it made a huge mistake too.
My fault. Sure.
So here we go, Its 2010. Another year, Another pain. haha Just kidding. Its good. Even though I havn't achieved much. Im still greatful that I can see the morning sun and night sky. :)
I have bin promised by Anirudh that i'd get a Puppy soon :D
Thankyou. And Oh oh! Tanmayesh, You're letter was too good to be true. I loved every bit of it.
Shourya has bin prepairing a lot lately. Only I know what it is like.
Shourya baby, Don't worry. It'll be worth it, All of it. Your love , your time. It will be. Im sure. I wish you all the love and luck in the world.
Just hold on and be strong with every step you take ahead to tell her how you feel. I love you, Always.

So,Amrita and her Boyfriend are going to complete 7 months on 24th. And i wish you many more to come. :)
And today is wango's 6 month Happy to you.
You're still a brat who eat my feet, still i adore you to bits.

Thankyou, And im gonna go learn some cords to a song.
Yes, Im learning the Guitar :) How cool is that. haha

Bye , I'll keep you updated. Promise.

AND ALSO,I made a Sketch, My very first Sketch. I never knew I could Sketch before. But whatever, haha bye.

Time's sucha mean machine.

New Year Resolution, New Year Resolution.

Lalala,

Okay so I'll talk a little more about myself here again, So like all of the whole world knows, The year is coming to an End just like all the other gone years have, This ones going too.
And to be very very honest, It hasn't really bin a pleasure living so outsourced.
But anyway, Time is like never ending, OMG, I just discovered something really PERMANENT. TIME. Weee, Time, Yes Time, Tum bure ho. You are unstoppable, untouchable.

So, Here I go. And I'm not really sure I'm gonna stick to my resolution's.
But, Yes I shall try my best.

One, Touch something known as Books. Its almost bin years since I've bin in contact with them. ( haha I feel like such an Idiot).
Two, Become little more sensible, Or should i say, I really have to start working on my Brain a bit.
Three, STOP SMOKING so much. I mean i never used to till this year ended. Three packets in a month, Wooh!, M I really THAT addicted to A god damn life destroyer?
Four, Its bin three months now, And there's STILL no sign of you, Where are you dead? Not that i care, But its just that you're still so much in the air. I mean NOW if i see you anywhere, Its gonna be like lightning striking the shit out of me. That would hurt so much more then.
Where ever you are, I mean it, WHERE EVER , I want you to be the happiest. And i want you to be perfect. And Have a Very happy new year. We're Oceans away but that's not too far away. I really Need to Move on. So im gonna be Stronger. And just DO IT.
Five, I have to go to gym, eating SO much is going to get me, I WILL have fat on my body,loads of it,soon. hahah
Six. The whole thing is that ke "Bhaiya Sabse Badda Rupiya" Haha I just felt like saying that because im so broke :( So will have to make my parents happy enough to grant me lots of pocket money.
Seven, I have to STOP believing in people too. I get too involved. I have to Stop. And not look at Boys and say " Hes so Cute" and later go on talking about him.
I have to FIND another you.
Eight, Start with my Book Writing. Yes! very Weird, But Ya I want to write a book, And I am going to, That will be like the wisest thing i would do for myself.

AND NOW Im going, I had to satisfy myself in letting my feelings out here, Cause My blog is my Best friend :) . HAHAHA. I'm totally so Weird.


p.s - The Window Is Still Open, You.

Once again, A very happy new year, not so much for me though. But Sure I shall think positively.

love.